I usually feel great relief when I bail, except sometimes when I really wanted to do the thing. Sometimes there is relief and FOMO simultaneously.
I was offered an activity that I'm not sure I'm up for. Pre-emptive bailing by pausing before deciding?
Yes it can feel like a rejection when friends bail, but I'm gaining both practice and understanding I think. I'm better at redirecting my time and energy these days I think. I would much rather folks bail than damage themselves on my account.
Yes, it can be a little awkward all ‘round, but so is going ahead & trying to manage your declining health / attention / patience. I appreciate your understanding, even as I feel ashamed for needing it.
I’m one of those who would probably feel shameful relief at being bailed on :) but like you, I dislike bailing on others.
But I’ve been doing it myself quite a lot lately. I bailed on a major party on the weekend ... “looking after the cat that’s just had sudden surgery” was a good reason. I could probably have found a way to justify leaving the cat alone if I really wanted to - he was perfectly fine and all that.
But I didn’t want to.
And everyone was fine. I was missed, and that was nice, but I somehow managed to avoid that piling on top of the stress/guilt/anxiety that’s trying to take over my brain currently.
Glennon Doyle talks about the joy of having a social event cancelled so you get a guilt-free pass. I’m glad you managed to avoid the guilt/stress/anxiety spiral.
Today I bailed on an errand with a child who was behaving weirdly. I sat and drank coffee and read, in spite of their disappointment. I know it’s not the same category but I was proud of myself for accurately assessing my needs. Lady needed coffee and time to herself. And she got it 🏆 After that I was prepared again for wrangling. But first: le pause.
Exactly! Well done (if a little random social approval helps). I was reflecting with a friend that when we ‘push through’ we don’t always show up as we would want to, so the disappointed person might have still been so. In our ‘doing bear’ minds its bail vs achieve, but in life it might be bail vs zombie-presenteeism-then-meltdown just as often.
Yeeeeeeeeeess. It’s taking me over a decade of marriage to see this truth. Recently have downloaded into my body: “hmm, instead of saying yes to doing this favor or listening to this ‘one more’ story, I could instead politely say, ‘I need a minute by myself,’ and avoid the ugliness I become when I’m past my limits.” !! So, yes, we’ll put and thanks always for the social approval :)
Yup, time too. My sign to myself is being unfairly unpleasant to my oldest. “Oh, I see. It’s time for my time-out” 😄 Out comes the book/tea. Sit my buns down. ☕️
For me its when I’m mentally hating on everything. Not my default setting. Luckily that usually pulls me up, “ohhhh I’m tired!” I like your time-out phrase.
It’s funny, I don’t give them to my kids but do find it useful when discussing that I’m past my edge. “I need a time-out right now.” For some reason it makes it feel more loving and gentle than “where am I and why can’t I recognize myself right now?!” Just a simple, kind parenting vibe. “Let’s take a break here.” Anyway, thanks! Fun exchange
I usually feel great relief when I bail, except sometimes when I really wanted to do the thing. Sometimes there is relief and FOMO simultaneously.
I was offered an activity that I'm not sure I'm up for. Pre-emptive bailing by pausing before deciding?
Yes it can feel like a rejection when friends bail, but I'm gaining both practice and understanding I think. I'm better at redirecting my time and energy these days I think. I would much rather folks bail than damage themselves on my account.
Yes, it can be a little awkward all ‘round, but so is going ahead & trying to manage your declining health / attention / patience. I appreciate your understanding, even as I feel ashamed for needing it.
I’m one of those who would probably feel shameful relief at being bailed on :) but like you, I dislike bailing on others.
But I’ve been doing it myself quite a lot lately. I bailed on a major party on the weekend ... “looking after the cat that’s just had sudden surgery” was a good reason. I could probably have found a way to justify leaving the cat alone if I really wanted to - he was perfectly fine and all that.
But I didn’t want to.
And everyone was fine. I was missed, and that was nice, but I somehow managed to avoid that piling on top of the stress/guilt/anxiety that’s trying to take over my brain currently.
Baby steps.
Glennon Doyle talks about the joy of having a social event cancelled so you get a guilt-free pass. I’m glad you managed to avoid the guilt/stress/anxiety spiral.
Today I bailed on an errand with a child who was behaving weirdly. I sat and drank coffee and read, in spite of their disappointment. I know it’s not the same category but I was proud of myself for accurately assessing my needs. Lady needed coffee and time to herself. And she got it 🏆 After that I was prepared again for wrangling. But first: le pause.
Exactly! Well done (if a little random social approval helps). I was reflecting with a friend that when we ‘push through’ we don’t always show up as we would want to, so the disappointed person might have still been so. In our ‘doing bear’ minds its bail vs achieve, but in life it might be bail vs zombie-presenteeism-then-meltdown just as often.
Yeeeeeeeeeess. It’s taking me over a decade of marriage to see this truth. Recently have downloaded into my body: “hmm, instead of saying yes to doing this favor or listening to this ‘one more’ story, I could instead politely say, ‘I need a minute by myself,’ and avoid the ugliness I become when I’m past my limits.” !! So, yes, we’ll put and thanks always for the social approval :)
Brene Brown famously says she’s scary when she’s scared... i think I might be scary when I’m exhausted.
Yup, time too. My sign to myself is being unfairly unpleasant to my oldest. “Oh, I see. It’s time for my time-out” 😄 Out comes the book/tea. Sit my buns down. ☕️
For me its when I’m mentally hating on everything. Not my default setting. Luckily that usually pulls me up, “ohhhh I’m tired!” I like your time-out phrase.
It’s funny, I don’t give them to my kids but do find it useful when discussing that I’m past my edge. “I need a time-out right now.” For some reason it makes it feel more loving and gentle than “where am I and why can’t I recognize myself right now?!” Just a simple, kind parenting vibe. “Let’s take a break here.” Anyway, thanks! Fun exchange