Being prepared to pull the plug

A success strategy, not a failure

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The foundation for recovery is, it turns out, respecting my current physical limits each day, each hour, even as they fluctuate. So no pushing, just a slow subtle gradual recalibration of How Much I Can Do. We’re talking months here.

One of the mental shifts this will require is an ability to bail, to bail early and to bail well.

The best laid plans might not be enough. I don’t want this to be true. Being an adult is all about being able to do what we need to do, want to do, or at least what we feel obliged to do.

Learning to bail is a hard lesson, because its quite counter-cultural, and because the more effort and energy you invest in preparing for some activity or task, the more determined you become about it. The sunk cost fallacy adds to the disappointment of not doing the thing. Any change from my gentle and predictable routine requires a lot of planning. Its easy to get very invested in, say, a trip to the garden centre, when you’ve planned it out in your head and visualised the centre’s layout, written a shopping list (with a why for each item so I don’t delete it as unnecessary while distracted by something in aisle 3), decided on the assistance aids you’ll take (walking poles, definitely; folding seat, maybe; do they have a loaner wheelchair? is that overkill if I’m only there 15 mins or is that realistic?), googled what are the quiet times, and enrolled a family member, friend or helper to take me. If, on the day, I wake up with no energy or its a hot day, its hard to let go of will & want to just because your body says won’t. Even when you know pushing on is madness.

Its entirely too easy to coerce yourself, or be unintentionally coerced by others. “So, we’re off to the garden centre today,” says your friend. They’re just confirming that plans haven’t changed. My inner critic may whisper, “Are you going to let them down? How feeble, its just one little half hour at the garden centre, they’ve made the effort to take you, its not like its hard, or anything, but sure, tell them you’re too tired and see how that goes, see their disappointment and impatience.”

Respecting my body’s energy feels a bit like taking a walk with a preschooler who suddenly sits down. I become the desperate parent, coaxing the child to stand up and get moving. Or, in desperation, the Drill Sergeant kicks in. It seldom goes well, as anyone who has ever cared for a preschooler will tell you.

What does work for me is pulling the plug (aka bailing). I’m practicing giving myself the permission to not go or leave ridiculously early, and I try to manage others’ expectations around that, mostly to show I respect their time too, if not at the price of my health. This requires some awkward conversations. Awkward for me, anyway, I haven’t yet asked if others find them awkward. Too anxious about that… baby steps.

At this point life decided to give me a masterclass in bailing, by giving me a head cold. The head cold has thrown my delicate equilibrium out of whack, leaving me bed bound for a few days. That’s bailing on a whole other level. I’ve cancelled support services & medical appointments (because germs) in favour of lying in bed and not doing anything more taxing than compiling a salad or knitting a few rows of a sweater. Adding this article to Armchair Rebel is a sign of recovering energy, or of good energy conservation. After nearly three weeks without an article, you may have noticed I’d bailed (temporarily) on Armchair Rebel. Even a passion project sometimes requires a spoon I just don’t have. Today I found a half a spoon, just for you.

Thank you for reading, your time and attention is a gift.

Over to you

• Can you recall a time when you bailed and - maybe only in retrospect - it had a positive outcome?

• Is there any activity this week you would like to bail on, because it feels like it will have a negative impact (however small) on your wellbeing? What thought or belief would need to change for you to give yourself permission to bail?

• How did you react the last time a friend, family member or colleague bailed on you? Were you understanding of their situation? Did you feel (a bit) rejected or sidelined or fed up?