Being 'good' hasn't healed me

Reckoning with stealth expectations & cultural false promises

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As a bit of a praise junkie¹ I was startled to find myself sobbing after a recent medical appointment. Toward the end of our discussion my specialist had observed that I was “managing magnificently”.

This was after a recent appointment where my GP had asked about my mood, and I told her I’d noticed my spirits had drooped, and there seemed to be a part of me that was blaming me for not getting better fast enough. My GP is compassionate and experienced, she observed that I’ve been remarkably positive and pragmatic for over a year now, so it was only to be expected I’d have some periods of frustration. She also begged me not to blame myself, and wrote me up for an extension of my mental health treatment plan (it allows me to get Medicare rebates for a few psychology sessions each year²).

To access healthcare, as a middle-aged woman, for a mysterious chronic illness, it is important to be compliant and cooperative: in short, a ‘good’ patient. (Having any other ‘other’ identity will multiply this necessity.) Part of me is relieved to be given this signal that I have made it into the ‘deserves treatment and care’ basket. I am probably in the optimal ‘partnership of care’ space because my medical team are carefully chosen and all excellent and this is not my first rodeo. Yay!

So, its not them, its me.

Or, more accurately, its a set of stealth expectations that culture installed in me. Maybe accidentally, maybe on purpose. Expectations that compliance equals recovery, and that recovery is 100% within my control.

There’s a part of me that believes if I was ‘doing it right’ I would be recovering… more? better? Ableism is sneaky that way, the ideas that the chronically ill are either flawed specimens, just not trying hard enough, or have brought it on themselves with ‘poor life choices’ are pernicious and prevalent.

There’s a part of me that has absorbed the ‘work hard, be good, never give up and you will overcome’ cultural promises. There are social benefits to a strong work ethic, a desire to be ‘good’ (ethical / kind) and having some grit, the ability to persist through adversity. That may be why this part of me is so outraged: decades of experience have suggested this usually works!

Those parts are feeling angry, cheated, petulant and desperate. And, because this is the part that is good at Grind, it responds to a perceived setback - which is how it views a lack of adequate progress - by doing what isn’t working, but more and harder. So it’s trying to convince me that because the resting and rehabilitation hasn’t ‘worked’ yet, I must be doing it wrong. Oh yes, it’s blame all the way down.

We all want to believe that bad things won’t happen to us. Sometimes we want to believe them so bad, we would rather blame ourselves than face our own lack of control. We can’t bear to accept that are at the mercy of the crapshoot that is our genetics, environment and random chance.

Thank you for reading, your time and attention are a gift.

Over to you

• What is the longest time you have been ‘under the weather’ or ‘not 100%’ i.e. sick or injured?

• List the changes you have made to your ‘lifestyle’ to recover or improve your health? e.g. medicine, diet, exercise, prayer etc.

• What messages have you received about recovery from illness or injury? Which of those messages came from people in your life, and which from broader society or culture (books, tv, advertising, sport, memes etc.)? Do any of those messages contradict one another?

• How much of your health do you believe you control? 50% 75% or 100%?

1. Ok, the term ‘junkie’ for an addict is pejorative and unhelpful. I’m using it in the pop culture sense. I’m still a bit uncomfortable with this, but ‘praise junkie’ is so economical.

2. Medical care, including mental health care, is not cheap, even here in Australia where our universal (unless you are a refugee on a bridging visa) Medicare and Pharmaceutical Benefits Plan covers some/much of the cost.