Note: This recording contains plosives, even after 5 takes. Out of spoons to do more. Thanks for understanding.
A friend, a good friend or the best of all possible friends?
There are friends (in general), there’s a good friend, then there’s the best of all possible friends. This best type of friend listens when you have a bad moment, and may even say “Tell me more…”. This friend doesn’t seem to think there’s anything wrong with you, even as they are prepared to call you out on behaviour that falls outside your values. This friend manages that kindly, seeming to agree with your own better nature, rather than pointing out your flaws, in case you missed any during your cross examination by your Inner Critic.
Feeling discouraged and frustrated? This friend points out that you have been working for a couple of hours without a rest, and more that your water glass sits untouched at your elbow. This friend might suggest you even – gasp – take a break and go throw a ball for your dog for 10 minutes, because didn’t you feel more productive last week after you did that? This friend is often correct, but never approaches you with orders, they ask questions or make mild observations that pull you up from moments of stuck-ness or when you’re in the weeds.
This friend cheers in shameless joy when you have a ‘win’ of any size bigger than microscopic. They delight when you point out a lovely pattern of leaves against the sky. They applaud when you did that thing you are embarrassed you find hard to do. This friend promotes joy. They think you should wear the shirt you love, rather than the shirt you think is more ‘appropriate’. They rejoice if you eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full. They love it when you have fun. They’re pleased, but not superior, when you tell them how right they were about that thing they said.
They stay even when you’re grumpy or sobbing. They neither stare, appalled, or look away. They approach your moods with equanimity and your various masks with curiosity, sometimes tinged with regret. “Why do you feel you need to wear that? I love seeing the real you. Chances are those people will too, and if they don’t that’s their problem.”
They laugh when its funny, and hold you when you’re afraid. They encourage you to trust yourself more.
They make space for you in their heart, in their attention. And you do the same for them. I want to be that kind of a friend, I strive to be that kind of friend.
Is that the kind of friend you are to yourself?
Wherever you go, there you are. Most of us would avoid people who said the kinds of things we routinely say to ourselves, often this internal critic is a bit sneaky, and kind of slips the barbs in here and there, rather than being a constant chorus.
We don’t say, “I’ve remembered 47 different things today already, so I’m confident I’ll remember to buy the washing up liquid when I go to the supermarket”. More likely, we say,
“Goodness, I really must remember to buy washing up liquid” or
“I better remember to buy washing up liquid” or
“I hope I don’t forget to buy the washing up liquid, like I forgot last week” or
“This time I better put washing up liquid on the list because I’ve been so distracted lately I keep forgetting to do that, and once I’m at the supermarket I won’t remember and then I’ll have to make a special trip, and I really don’t have time with all the other To Do items I haven’t got to yet…”
Sound familiar? Our Inner Critic is trying to help us, it tries to avoid pain by making sure you don’t break any of the written and unwritten rules you absorbed growing up. Its voice always tells you to perfect, predict, perform and please OR ELSE.
This is your Inner Critic on medical leave
Having any kind of illness or disability or visible or invisible difference, in our ableist late-capitalist grind culture is going to send most Inner Critics into overdrive. Being good might not have healed me, but along with the privilege of my skin colour, education and some savings, it has ensured I get quality medical care with a minimum of stigma and disbelief.
My Inner Critic says, ‘everyone gets tired, other people keep going’, ‘resting isn’t going to pay the rent, now, is it?’, 'is that all you’ve managed today?’ and ‘the least you could do is cook a meal for yourself, even if you leave the dishes in the sink, do you even want to get better?’
Listening to and obeying an Inner Critic is exhausting and may even be dangerous. Your Inner Critic encourages you to spend your knives when you run out of spoons. Your Inner Critic is the part of you that will literally Die Trying rather than risk being inadequate. Don’t try this at home, please. I’m not medically trained or licenced, but I’m pretty confident that is good advice.
Trying to ignore an Inner Critic is exhausting, its a definite fork for me. I don’t have the spoons to endure many forks.
So I have been thanking my Inner Critic for its advice, and then asking myself what a best friend would say. I’m trying to be my own best friend, and it has been kind of amazing. My Inner Best Friend is even kind to my Inner Critic, she’s that good.
Having an Inner Best Friend doesn’t mean you don’t need outer support
I’m not a fan of bootstrapping, because its literally impossible. Being the best of all possible friends to yourself is no substitute for having positive, supportive relationships with other humans. In case you needed to hear that.
Thank you for reading, your time and attention are a gift.
Over to You
Think about the times someone has been that friend to you, or you’ve been that friend to someone else. Make notes for future reference. Send thank you texts or cards if you want to.
What advice might the best of all possible friends give you today? Does that surprise you?
If you don’t ‘hear’ or ‘see’ anything, that’s fine too, not everyone has an inner monologue.
“ My Inner Best Friend is even kind to my Inner Critic, she’s that good.” she sounds lovely ✨
Thanks so much for this Michelle. It’s astounding how we speak to ourselves when we would never. Our fiercer fever dreams speak to our friends, or anyone else in the same way. The over culture has done a total job on us. I love the compassion you have for yourself and the line Kara quoted is brilliant. X