Frivolity gets a bad rap

And I have to wonder who benefits, because it isn't me

Image by Amy for rawpixel.com

Frivolity /frɪˈvɒlɪti/ Noun lack of seriousness; light-heartedness (OED)

I’m all in favour of a bit of frivolity. Frivolous (an adjective) means ‘not having any serious purpose or value’. When applied to a person – or, one hopes, their behaviour rather than their entire identity – it suggests ‘carefree and superficial’. Google suggests the search question: “Is frivolous positive or negative?” and then links to Thesaurus.com which states

almost always suggests a lack of value, merit, or necessity

Ouch. Thanks to my chronic energy issues, I spend most of my time in the place of necessity. Do I really need to do X? Is it essential? Is it worth the energy I will spend on it, and the loss of whatever else I could (‘should’) be doing with that spoon (unit of energy)?

In the bell curve of human energy distribution, I’m on the poverty line. Just enough is better than not-quite-enough, but it’s a hard place to live, and its precarious. One wrong step can take you to the wrong side of the line. It requires vigilance and discipline. Ironically, vigilance and discipline are tiring. Self-management takes energy. Life doesn’t feel free, doesn’t feel like living if its always about ‘have to’.

Yesterday, I was fed up and mentally worn out navigating a tricky bit of health bureaucracy. After a (purely medicinal) wine spritzer I rebelled, kicked up my heels and wasted an hour - of mine and my helper’s time - on a frivolous outing. I went to a fabric store for inspiration (I bought fabric for an autumn jacket, but it didn’t feel like a task) and then wandered into nearby upmarket paper store just to luxuriate in the lovely things on display and daydream about using them. I didn’t need to buy anything. I didn’t even want to buy anything. It was a complete waste of time. Coming back, I bought a single scoop of artisan gelato, and ate it without regret. It was glorious.

Intoxicated, feeling neither fatigue nor pain, I started to wonder: who gets to decide what has value, merit and necessity? Who benefits from dismissing things as ‘frivolous’? In law the term frivolous is a claim or complaint that lacks evidence, and this technical meaning seems to have tainted the ordinary word.

Frankly that outing made me feel alive, even though I had to go to bed early to make up for it, and I had to both water the houseplants and empty the kitter litter today (i.e. on the same day, rather than spreading those tasks out over 2 days). I’d acted on my whim, just because in that moment, that’s what I wanted to do. I was very nearly spontaneous (full disclosure, I did work out the logistics first). Esther Perel uses the term ‘erotic’, which she says is not always sexual

“I define Eroticism as those qualities of vitality, curiosity, and spontaneity that makes us feel alive.”

I definitely felt more alive. For me, a little frivolity has value, merit and necessity…which I guess means it isn’t frivolous at all?

Thank you for reading, your time and attention are a gift.

Over to you

• What do you yearn for, which you judge as frivolous? For example, do you want a vase of fresh flowers each week? A chance to watch anime even when work is busy? Is laughter frivolous?

• Can you let yourself have a small experience of frivolity this week? How does it feel to give yourself the permission? How does it feel to actually do it? Do you feel more alive?

• Did you feel a need to ‘make up for’ your frivolity by working harder?